Do you forward "inspirational" emails?

Awhile back my office was dumb enough to put me on the hiring committee for a new person.  We had a list of Human Resources Approved questions that we could ask during interviews.  None of those questions were these questions, but these are the ones I really wanted the answers to:

• Do you get to work really early? Because that bugs me. So please don’t mention how early you arrived at work or the fact that you were up before sunrise, ever.

• Do you drink coffee? If not, please back away slowly. If so, what kind? Will you bring a pint of half-and-half every once in awhile? Do you understand that "flavored creamer" isn't the same thing?

• If you are female, do you know what "shrill" sounds like and how to avoid it? What’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about lending clothes to co-workers? (Maybe just that awesome jacket you're wearing? Just for a day?) Do you have free shipping codes for any major online retailers?

• If you are male, do you understand what a unisex bathroom is? Do you faithfully wipe down the toilet seat after you use it? Do you have any power-trippy issues that will need to be worked out as the result of being in an office of mostly women?

• If transgendered, are you at peace with it or do you still have a lot of unresolved issues you’ll need to work out at the office? And if male-to-female, what’s your dress and shoe size? How do you feel about loaning clothes?

• Do you carefully wash your hands, with soap, each and every time you use the restroom?

• How are you and your significant other getting along? When you’re not getting along, do you need to talk about it? How loudly and how often?

• Do you watch a lot of reality television and then talk about it excitedly the next morning while your colleagues are trying to pour their coffee?

• Someone brought in a big plate of chocolate chip cookies and now there’s only one left. WHAT DO YOU DO?

• Do you wear a lot of perfume or cologne, and if so, would you be willing to stop? Do you understand that most people don’t want to smell a synthesized rainy tangerine orchard surrounded by a jasmine field?

• Do you understand that your bestie friend can hear you just fine on the other end of the phone when you use your normal speaking voice?

• Give me your best, most inspiring, most unobtrusive pep-talk about why I should go to the gym at lunch.

• Now say something reassuring and non-judgmental when I tell you I’m going to stay in and surf gossip websites while trying to keep bits of burrito from falling into my keyboard.

• Do you know how to get beans and cheese out of a keyboard?